A new beginning?
I have been wanting to write, to explore, to go inward, to try and reach the parts of me that are difficult to navigate to. It is hard, it is hard to write for me and to open up myself to the feelings that are buried so deep inside me. The feelings of grief and loss mainly which come up at different moments and these are not feelings that are buried, they are always there and I prefer them to just be just below the surface.
Recently, on our Birds* trip in Colorado, one of the topics we wanted to get through was grief. We spoke about it at length, of how it has affected us in our lives with two of us having lost parents and also the ambiguous grief that we feel losing a relationship or a friendship. For me grief is always there, it lives with me day and night, it is the deep sadness I feel when I am laughing at a joke, it is the deep sadness I feel when I am so grateful for all that I have. The loss of my father and also of my grandparents as well as the loss of home for me will always be at the core of all that I am. That does not mean that I cannot enjoy life and cannot be thankful for all that I have; it does not mean I am depressed or weak; what it means is that I recognise this loss in me and I live with it as all the people whom I have lost live within me.